Did Not See It Coming
Navigating the Unexpected: Finding Unity in Marital Conflict
Marriage is often likened to a treasure hidden in a field. When we find it, we're filled with joy and willing to give up everything to possess it. But here's the catch – you can't just buy the treasure; you have to buy the whole field. That field might come with rocks, shrubs, and things you don't particularly like. Similarly, in marriage, you can't have the beautiful moments without also facing the challenges that inevitably arise.
Every marriage will encounter surprises, things we simply didn't see coming. These surprises can be categorized into three types:
1. Unintentional: These are circumstances beyond our control, like health issues, job loss, or the death of a loved one. No one is at fault; they just happen.
2. Unhealthy: These involve some level of blame or responsibility, such as hurtful outbursts, laziness, or substance abuse.
3. Unbelievable: These are the most severe, leaving us questioning who our spouse really is. Examples include abusive behavior, affairs, or reckless spending.
While these surprises create conflict, it's crucial to understand that common marital issues like money, sex, parenting, and in-laws are often just surface-level manifestations of deeper problems. The real issues usually boil down to two fundamental concepts: power and boundaries.
Power:
Power in a marriage is about who decides what happens and when. Whether it's financial decisions or intimacy, power struggles can underlie seemingly mundane disagreements.
Boundaries:
Boundaries, on the other hand, are about who is included in the marriage relationship. This becomes particularly relevant when dealing with children or in-laws.
Communication:
Communication, while often cited as a major issue, is actually a meta-concept that provides a framework for addressing these deeper concerns. Couples may think they're communicating well because they're talking about their disagreements, but they often miss the crucial underlying questions like "Am I number one to you?" or "How much do I matter?"
So how do we approach conflict resolution in marriage? First, it's important to clarify that marital conflict isn't about the presence or absence of disagreements – it's about disagreements that never get properly resolved. These unresolved issues lead to resentment and bitterness, which can destroy a marriage if left unchecked.
When facing conflict, couples typically respond in one of three ways:
1. Attack: Blaming the spouse and making them the cause of the problem.
2. Withdraw: Isolating oneself, giving the silent treatment, or pretending nothing is wrong.
3. Confide: Approaching the issue as allies, working together to find understanding and resolution.
The goal should always be to confide. In the attack position, spouses become enemies. In withdrawal, they're strangers. But in confiding, they're allies, working together to help each other find the right words to express their true feelings and concerns.
The Bible offers profound wisdom for navigating these challenges. Ephesians 4:29-32 encourages us to use our words for building each other up, to be kind and compassionate, and to forgive as God has forgiven us. James 1:19 reminds us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Colossians 3:13-17 exhorts us to bear with each other, forgive one another, and let the peace of Christ rule in our hearts.
These scriptures paint a beautiful picture of what marriage can be – a relationship where couples worship God together, using their union as an act of praise. It's a high calling, but one that's achievable when we approach our marriages with the right perspective.
So, what's the takeaway? Here's a powerful marriage statement to live by: "In whatever we do, whether in word or deed, we will do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
This statement applies to every aspect of marriage – how we spend our evenings, engage in conflict, make decisions together, and respond to those unexpected surprises life throws our way. It's about approaching every interaction with our spouse as an opportunity to honor God and express gratitude for His presence in our relationship.
Implementing this mindset requires patience, courage, and trust. Wives may need to be patient as their husbands learn to navigate difficult conversations. Husbands may need to summon the courage to discuss topics they'd rather avoid. Both partners must trust that their vulnerability will be met with love, care, and compassion.
Remember, intimacy is often just a sentence away, but it's hard to find the sentence (Daniel Wile). It requires pushing through our shame, insecurities, and fears to express what's truly going on inside us. But when we commit to this level of openness and understanding, we create a safe space for our marriages to thrive.
In the end, marriage is not about avoiding conflict or pretending everything is perfect. It's about facing challenges together, growing through them, and emerging stronger on the other side. It's about recognizing that you and your spouse are on the same team, working towards the same goal of a fulfilling, God-honoring relationship.
So, the next time you face an unexpected challenge in your marriage, pause and remember your commitment to approach it in the name of Jesus. Choose to be allies rather than enemies or strangers. Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and always ready to extend forgiveness. And above all, never stop working to find that sentence that bridges the gap between you and your spouse, fostering the intimacy and understanding you both desire.
Your marriage is a treasure worth fighting for. Embrace the whole field – rocks, shrubs, and all – and watch as God transforms your relationship into a testament of His love and grace.
Marriage is often likened to a treasure hidden in a field. When we find it, we're filled with joy and willing to give up everything to possess it. But here's the catch – you can't just buy the treasure; you have to buy the whole field. That field might come with rocks, shrubs, and things you don't particularly like. Similarly, in marriage, you can't have the beautiful moments without also facing the challenges that inevitably arise.
Every marriage will encounter surprises, things we simply didn't see coming. These surprises can be categorized into three types:
1. Unintentional: These are circumstances beyond our control, like health issues, job loss, or the death of a loved one. No one is at fault; they just happen.
2. Unhealthy: These involve some level of blame or responsibility, such as hurtful outbursts, laziness, or substance abuse.
3. Unbelievable: These are the most severe, leaving us questioning who our spouse really is. Examples include abusive behavior, affairs, or reckless spending.
While these surprises create conflict, it's crucial to understand that common marital issues like money, sex, parenting, and in-laws are often just surface-level manifestations of deeper problems. The real issues usually boil down to two fundamental concepts: power and boundaries.
Power:
Power in a marriage is about who decides what happens and when. Whether it's financial decisions or intimacy, power struggles can underlie seemingly mundane disagreements.
Boundaries:
Boundaries, on the other hand, are about who is included in the marriage relationship. This becomes particularly relevant when dealing with children or in-laws.
Communication:
Communication, while often cited as a major issue, is actually a meta-concept that provides a framework for addressing these deeper concerns. Couples may think they're communicating well because they're talking about their disagreements, but they often miss the crucial underlying questions like "Am I number one to you?" or "How much do I matter?"
So how do we approach conflict resolution in marriage? First, it's important to clarify that marital conflict isn't about the presence or absence of disagreements – it's about disagreements that never get properly resolved. These unresolved issues lead to resentment and bitterness, which can destroy a marriage if left unchecked.
When facing conflict, couples typically respond in one of three ways:
1. Attack: Blaming the spouse and making them the cause of the problem.
2. Withdraw: Isolating oneself, giving the silent treatment, or pretending nothing is wrong.
3. Confide: Approaching the issue as allies, working together to find understanding and resolution.
The goal should always be to confide. In the attack position, spouses become enemies. In withdrawal, they're strangers. But in confiding, they're allies, working together to help each other find the right words to express their true feelings and concerns.
The Bible offers profound wisdom for navigating these challenges. Ephesians 4:29-32 encourages us to use our words for building each other up, to be kind and compassionate, and to forgive as God has forgiven us. James 1:19 reminds us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Colossians 3:13-17 exhorts us to bear with each other, forgive one another, and let the peace of Christ rule in our hearts.
These scriptures paint a beautiful picture of what marriage can be – a relationship where couples worship God together, using their union as an act of praise. It's a high calling, but one that's achievable when we approach our marriages with the right perspective.
So, what's the takeaway? Here's a powerful marriage statement to live by: "In whatever we do, whether in word or deed, we will do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
This statement applies to every aspect of marriage – how we spend our evenings, engage in conflict, make decisions together, and respond to those unexpected surprises life throws our way. It's about approaching every interaction with our spouse as an opportunity to honor God and express gratitude for His presence in our relationship.
Implementing this mindset requires patience, courage, and trust. Wives may need to be patient as their husbands learn to navigate difficult conversations. Husbands may need to summon the courage to discuss topics they'd rather avoid. Both partners must trust that their vulnerability will be met with love, care, and compassion.
Remember, intimacy is often just a sentence away, but it's hard to find the sentence (Daniel Wile). It requires pushing through our shame, insecurities, and fears to express what's truly going on inside us. But when we commit to this level of openness and understanding, we create a safe space for our marriages to thrive.
In the end, marriage is not about avoiding conflict or pretending everything is perfect. It's about facing challenges together, growing through them, and emerging stronger on the other side. It's about recognizing that you and your spouse are on the same team, working towards the same goal of a fulfilling, God-honoring relationship.
So, the next time you face an unexpected challenge in your marriage, pause and remember your commitment to approach it in the name of Jesus. Choose to be allies rather than enemies or strangers. Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and always ready to extend forgiveness. And above all, never stop working to find that sentence that bridges the gap between you and your spouse, fostering the intimacy and understanding you both desire.
Your marriage is a treasure worth fighting for. Embrace the whole field – rocks, shrubs, and all – and watch as God transforms your relationship into a testament of His love and grace.
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